In motherhood and in life, some days are just tougher than others. 

The other day I had one of those tough days. The days where every “little” thing that could go wrong, goes wrong. One thing after another and with dwindling patience and grace, I was lead to a breakdown. Let’s just say I cried into a pillow. Hard. We’ve all been here at one point or another in our lives. Whether it’s from sadness, anxiety, anger, or complete and utter loss of patience. The reason for my tears on that day was a mix of emotions; the pinnacle of frustration, impatience, and sleeplessness created from the perfect storm of a colicky baby, vomit-stained clothes, 3 months of sleeping no more than 2-3 hours at a time, a dwindling milk supply, a dirty house, and seemingly non-stop barking dogs.

The day started with Maddox taking his daily CF vitamins and salt (as mentioned in previous blog posts, he needs specific vitamins because he is unable to absorb vitamins normally and he needs extra salt because he loses salt content rapidly). He, of course, had his enzymes prior to taking these and then started drinking his milk. After a couple ounces of milk, he projectile vomited it all up. All over himself, me, and the couch. I know, “normal” baby stuff. It happens. But, with him, now he didn’t get his vitamins, he didn’t get his salts, and the enzymes necessary to breaking down his foods and absorb his nutrients were gone. He was screaming and still hungry so I just gave him the rest of his milk, unsure of whether I should have gave him more enzymes or if there were any left in his system. It’s always a tricky determination and can be a slippery slope. Unfortunately, what I feared happened did happen and the milk he drank caused him to be very constipated due to the lack of enzymes. He was in pain for the rest of the day and struggled with every feeding and could barely stay asleep for naps because of his bellyaches. I felt like a bad mom and that I made the wrong call. Aside from that, I felt deep sadness and helplessness for my poor baby who couldn’t just simply drink some milk when his belly was empty and he needed nourishment. Why are there so many hoops to jump through with this disease? 

This isn’t the first time something like this has happened. I had been able to handle situations and days like these before, so why did that day hit me like a ton of bricks? I quickly realized that I was crying out from a deeper place of anger. Pure and utter anger towards CF and all it has stolen from me. I started feeling sorry for myself. I started spiraling in all that CF stole from me: 

• It has stolen bits and pieces of my motherhood 
• It has stolen sleep 
• It has stolen peace
• It has stolen health
• It has stolen strength 
• It has even stolen parts of my future it hasn’t reached yet

Remember the verse I shared from the last blog post?: “Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” (Isaiah 43:19). Lately I have been really relating to the “wilderness” part of that passage. 

A “wilderness” place, while similar to a “desert place”, from my previous blog post, has some differences. When you think of a desert, you think of a place that is arid, barren, and dry. It’s a place of little to no growth or life. A wilderness, is a place that is uninhabited by human life, but is vast in wildlife and plant life. They both are desolate places, but have distinct differences. 

The wilderness can be a place of uncertainty and desolation. Oftentimes, it’s a place where it feels as if everything you’ve imagined your current situation to be is far from true. It’s a place where you’re asking why. A lot. You may be asking “Why, God, did my life take this turn?” “Why, God, is this person not in my life anymore?” “Why, God, (insert your “why” here).” 

It’s still and lonely and appears so vast that there isn’t an end in sight. Gods voice and promises feel distant, and you can only hear the echo of your own voice it seems. It’s a place of discomfort, but I believe that more than that, it’s a place of encounter. Never have I encountered God’s provision and presence more evident than in these desert and wilderness places. So on that trying day this week, I encountered courage. I encountered hope. And, most importantly, I encountered everything I’ve gained during the times where it felt so much was stolen from me.

So, let me counter the lies I was telling myself earlier: 

• It has stolen bits and pieces of my motherhood —> I am the mother I am today because of it all. I am fiercer, I am bolder, I am more appreciative. 
• It has stolen sleep —> I have discovered the true meaning of “there will be joy in the morning”.
• It has stolen peace —> I have learned true peace is from God; he has quieted my every storm
• It has stolen health —> I have found a deep appreciation for medical advancements and will continue advocating for them.
• It has stolen strength —> I have learned even through weakness, there was a deep internal strength growing that I didn’t even know I held
• It has even stolen parts of my future it hasn’t reached yet —> I am working on reclaiming my future from the hands of CF and allowing it to rest in the perfect hands of my savior. This is still a challenge. 

I’ve realized that in this wilderness, I can succumb to the desolation and discouragement, or I can discover and uncover the beauty of all that is springing from it. 

Anyways, I’ll stop with the rambling and I’ll end with some fun updates on our Maddy boy: 

• He hit 10 pounds at his clinic visit last week (yay baby!!) 
• He had his first throat culture to see if there is any bacteria in his lungs (he will get these every 3 months) and his results came back normal!
• He’s laughing (mostly at his daddy) all of the time 
• He loves his swing (finally – this has been a lifesaver) 
• He is obsessed with his bouncer 
• He still loves his carseat, so he loves walks and drives (I hope this never changes) 
• He’s doing a lot of babbling and cooing (and it’s oh so cute) 
• He’s starting to really recognize his doggy brothers and follows them around with his eyes (he’s even reached out to touch Bennie and Bennie loved the attention of course) 
• Lastly, we switched his enzyme brand and it seems to be helping his belly and helping him eat faster and in less pain (this is HUGE)