As Maddox is growing, so am I. 

Never have I witnessed the tangibility of growth until I have watched the life we created grow in front of my very eyes. As of yesterday, Maddox weighed 8 pounds 12.5 ounces (yes, every half ounce counts!). He is gaining weight exactly how he should, we are so proud. As I’m actually seeing the growth of Maddox moment by moment, I’m starting to feel the growth of myself throughout it all. But it’s interesting to think about where this growth happens. I don’t know how much it happens in the “easy” times. It’s not really on the “good” days when the sun is shining and Maddox is sleeping in my arms under the shaded porch. Sure, this serves a lot of other important and positive purposes, but I can’t say it is in these moments immense growth takes place. I believe it’s in the tough moments, when the thought of growth doesn’t cross my mind. It’s during the challenges, the anxiety, the grappling, and the balancing. 

There’s a verse in Isaiah that says “Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” 

When I was pregnant with Maddox, I was clinging to certain verses that truly got me through each day. I’ve mentioned a few of them in previous blog posts. Isaiah 43:19 was one of them. In fact, it was verse I truly felt was spoken over me one morning, in particularly the part about rivers in the desert. There are a lot of times in life we may feel like we’re in a “desert place”. It’s dry, it’s barren, it’s hard. There seems to be no end in sight, and sometimes it’s lonely. This verse claims God will provide rivers during these desert times. I think rivers, in this case, can mean a lot of things, but among those are: provision, new life, and especially growth.  

Rivers in a desert spring forth new life. It allows for new plants and foliage to thrive that may not have bloomed prior. 

Notice it’s not streams in the desert, it’s rivers. It’s more than enough. I truly believe that in the toughest parts of our life, there is vast growth. When it feels desolate and torrid, there is work being done in your heart that leads to a bountiful blooming and fertile flourishing. 

I also like the part of that verse that says “do you not perceive it?”. I think this signifies that true growth happens when we can’t always see it and we can’t always feel it.

So how do you know you’re growing? I think sometimes we don’t even know growth has taken place. I recently recognized my own growth simply through noticing certain things have felt easier. What was once tough or worrying, now feels more manageable. When it used to feel daunting and anxiety-ridden to bring Maddox out in public, now feels normal with a few precautions. When it used to feel like morning would never come on the nights when the crying wouldn’t stop and my eyes were heavy with fatigue, now I (sometimes, not all the time) even look forward to a middle of the night feeding as Maddox’s eyes are looking around the glow of room and making cute noises while drinking his milk while the rest of the house is quiet in slumber. When it used to feel as if CF was going to rule my life, now it feels that I have some control of its reign. 

I know that there will be the next set of hurdles that will put me in a desert place, a trying place, but I know I will be met there with abundant and sufficient water that will quench and grow me. It will be in these times, although muddy, the landscape will be most susceptible to fruitful growth. 

I am not here to say that my life feels like a solemn, rough desert. I’m saying that it isn’t always easy. Nobody ever said that raising a child was easy. Heck, nobody ever said life was easy. But I think we can all rally around that one cliche that says “nothing worth having comes easy”. So, give yourself a break. If you’re going through a tough time, remember that you were given this challenge in exchange for growth. Life is great when it’s easy; but I believe strong people are given big obstacles because they will overcome them valiantly and will be more resilient because of it all. 

Note: I am shamelessly using my blog as a platform to ask for help since there are so many of you wonderful people reading this. Our CF team has advised us to try to keep Maddox out of childcare for at least the first year of his life. We had been planning on doing this anyways. So, as I look to returning to work in a month, although I will be mostly working from home and Adam as well, we would love some help. We are thinking of having someone take care of Maddox in our home maybe twice a week or so. It would likely be from around 10AM to 3PM. This would be paid of course. If you or anyone you know would be interested in this, please let me know and we can discuss details further. Thank you!!