It’s the last day of the year that built me. 2023 has transformed me physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. Because of this year my body will never be the same, my heart will never be the same, and my mind will never be the same.

In January of this year we announced our pregnancy to the world and found out our little growing baby was a boy. 

In February of this year we received Maddox’s Cystic Fibrosis Diagnosis at just about the halfway point of my pregnancy. I have a blog post that recounts the deep emotions of this news. Here’s one part that I wrote: 

“The days ebbed and flowed, but Jesus’ provision was constant. He remained an ever-flowing fountain of grace. I started grappling with the fact that I knew our God was a miracle-working God, but also that He is a God who knows the plans He has for us. I needed to both trust that he absolutely could heal my baby, but also trust that whatever He did, even if it wasn’t healing, was part of His plan for Maddox’s and our lives. This was tough.”

In March of this year I firmly decided to not allow this diagnosis to steal my joy or dictate my pregnancy or Maddox’s precious future. We brought Maddox (in utero) on his first vacation to the Virgin Islands and found some rest that was much needed. 

In April of this year I entered my third trimester of pregnancy and started to get regular ultrasounds as it was important to keep an eye on our little guy with him being high risk. Nonetheless, this meant more opportunities to see his sweet face and squirmy little body.

In May of this year I lost my sweet cousin, Zach. We flew down to South Carolina to be with family and I spoke about him at his funeral. To honor him, here is a snippet of my speech from his funeral:

“His heart was tender and genuine and filled to the brim with so much love to give … and each and every one of us in this room was so blessed to get some of that Zachy love at some point or another in our lives. I know he’d want us to pass that along and be unapologetically us despite what the rest of the world takes from us at times. Let’s all pour out some Zachy love by being carelessly goofy, by pushing the boundaries every once in a while, by being creative in our pursuit in making others smile, and let’s have vulnerable and tender hearts. Thank you Zach for teaching me and many others what it means to be unapologetically you.”

May was also the month I had a beautiful baby shower with so many amazing ladies that filled my home and heart with so much love. 

In June of this year, Maddy boy came into our world 4 weeks early. It was the most emotional and hardest time of my life. Two weeks in the NICU and many prayers and tears. In one of my first blog posts I referenced the verse: “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;” (Psalms 139:13-14). I was reminded time and time again that Maddox was made perfectly him by a perfect savior. 

In July of this year we had our first full month at home with Maddox. This is what I wrote about his first week at home with us in his baby journal: 

“Lots of diaper changes, sleeplessness, cuddling, feedings, routine adjustments, loud cries, and soft snores. 

Two doctors appointments and several phone calls, keeping track of and organizing treatments, and continuous education on his specific needs.

Gifts and cards filled with so much love, friends partaking in a meal train for us, and family that live close by that are so good at loving on us and taking care of us.”

In August of this year we survived. That’s just the honest, raw truth. The sleeplessness caught up and Maddox’s issues with feeding as well as some of the hurdles with his disease were tough. We did have his first weekend getaway to a peaceful lakehouse. We learned how much Maddox loves the fresh air and outdoors. 

In September through November of this year we started to feel some sense of normalcy and Maddox really started to grow. He hit so many milestones and his sweet personality started to shine through. In my November blog post I list the many things that I loved about this phase.

In the last month of this year, Maddox had his first Christmas and turned six months old. They say with children the days go slow and the years go fast. “They” didn’t lie. 

As I reflect on the mountains and valleys, the wilderness and desert places of this year, I am reminded that God is all-sufficient and that we as humans are far more resilient than we think we are. Adam and I have overcome more than I ever thought a heart could handle in one year. My heart has never felt more sorrow from tough news, but my heart has also never felt more joy from simply seeing the smile of one tiny human. 

Just a couple days ago I was holding Maddox in front of a mirror and talking to him. For a quick moment I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and tears filled my eyes. I was seeing myself in my purest state of joy. My eyes were squinting and my mouth open and curled upward while I was singing and talking to my little boy. There have been so many moments this past year that I’ve doubted myself as a mother, hoped I was making the right decision, prayed I’d have strength for the next day, and wondered if I was enough. But in that raw moment in front of the mirror, I saw me for the first time. A good mom. A strong mom. A strong woman. A woman exactly where I’m supposed to be doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing. This year tried to tear me down at times, but how it did just the very opposite. It built me. 

I alone cannot claim the victory of this year though. The triumphs and overcoming of this tough but incredible year come from two places outside of just Adam and I: God and our people. 

There simply isn’t a way to thank and list all of the amazing people in our lives and how they have walked with us, cried with us, prayed with us, and rejoiced with us. You know who you are and we quite literally could not have done any of this without you. 

And of course, it is impossible to attempt to recount the blessings from an indescribable God. We continually give thanks to a savior whose promises are yes and amen. 

“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” -Lamentations 3:22-23