A letter to Maddox on the night before his first birthday:

Maddy boy, 

You turn one tomorrow. How can this be? 

It was just moments ago that my eyes met yours and in an instant I felt deep purpose. It was the first time we met, but oh, how I’d known you for a lifetime. 

The mystery of all the things you could be took shape in one perfect little face, tiny little fists, the sweetest sounds, and curious blinking eyes.

I found myself living in such a contradictory state. It was during these early days where I began to realize that parenting is such a paradoxical thing. I was both terrified and fearless. Both helpless and independent. Both unprepared and ready. Both lifeless and full of life. Both a mom and still me. 

So here I am, on the eve of your first birthday, rocking you in your rocking chair on the last night before you enter toddlerhood, and I’m looking at who you’ve become. Your perfect face, while still little, is so full of expressions now. I know what makes you laugh and when you’re about to cry or throw a fit. I see your daddy in your nose and the way you furrow your eyebrow, and I see myself in the smile of your eyes. Your fists, while still tiny, grip onto me when you’re scared or sleepy, grab food and feed yourself, explore new textures, clap your hands, and pull yourself onto furniture and scurry across the floor. You still make the sweetest sounds but you have a little voice now. And oh, how you use it. You say “Mama” and “Dada” and so many other words. You try to sing and you shriek with joy when you’re excited. Your eyes are still full of curiosity, but now you recognize your family and your doggies and your favorite toys and favorite places. You scan the room for familiarity and seek out what brings you comfort.

While I’m reflecting on all you’ve become in just 12 months, I find my emotions to be at odds with one another once again. I want to beg you:  

Stay this way forever, but please never stop growing. 

Show the world your smile, but please never let the world take it away from you. 

Explore and be adventurous, but please always stay sitting on the living room floor babbling while playing with your cars and dinosaurs. 

Make friends and find love, but please never stop needing your mama and daddy. 

Be a warrior in the face of your disease, but please stay living in this ignorant bliss where CF doesn’t exist in your world. 

Walk and run and dance and fly, but please stay crawling around the kitchen table and playing peek-a-boo while your giggle fills up the room. 

Become everything and anything you’re meant to be, but please, just please, stay exactly how you are right in this moment. 

On the eve of your first birthday, I’m in awe of you, Maddox. I must whisper to you a million times a day, “you’re amazing, baby”. Because you are. You amaze me. I can’t wait to watch your life unfold in front of me while I grieve the year before all while anticipating what the next will bring. I love you. 

Love,

Mama